Christmas cocktail

Hans still hasn't returned from last night's clubbing - in a brief muttered phone message, with Erasure playing loudly in the background, he has told us that he is 'a bit tied up' somewhere in Vauxhall - and so cocktail hour is left with me. Don't worry, it's not going to be some ghastly concoction involving cranberries (what's so festive about bloody cranberry juice? Keep it for when you have that thing that makes you pee a lot, that's what I say. And cranberries should not be allowed anywhere near cheese. Marks & Spencer, take note).

Anyway...it's the morning of Christmas Day. From down the stairs, you hear the voices of family members doing whatever terrible, terrible things your family members do on Christmas morning. The only way to approach matters is by heading straight into the Bucks Fizz, made 50-50 with very cold Champagne and freshly squeezed (there and then) orange juice. Refreshing, oh-so-healthy (my dear, it's positively dripping with Vit-C), it gives you what you need on Christmas morning when you're facing the grotesque annual novelty of breakfasting with your extended family - a controlled, elegant morning buzz. Red Harriet makes it a rule, she tells me, never to get out of bed on Christmas Day before she has heard the pop of the first Champagne cork, which is surely the right attitude.

Incidentally, I saw a litre of something calling itself Bucks Fizz (4% alcohol) on sale in our local shop the other day for £2.49. Good God in Heaven.