Ooh, that's handy

Anyway, back to more important things.

We all know Noel "Crinkly Bottom" Edmonds - he of the deceased parental melon-shaped orbs - is a big fan of cosmic ordering, where you ask the cosmos for what you want and then, apparently, get it. But what I didn't know was that you can do it all over the internet at The Cosmic Ordering website, complete with a useful form ready topped and tailed -

To the Cosmos,

Please accept my request for the following orders by the dates specified ...

With love and Appreciation,

And it's free! Though I dread to think what spam you are deluged with afterwards. I've just asked the cosmos to slap Noel Edmonds round the face with a fish live on his new show. Well, he does say it will "mend broken Britain". 

Fingers crossed.

Claim of the year. Indisputably.

Credit crunch? Feh. Implosion of the Labour Party? So what. No, this is a real bombshell -

"My dead parents are melon-sized orbs" - Noel Edmonds.

No, I'm not going to explain it. You're going to have pay the penance of visiting the Mail's website here.

Shayler thinks he's the son of God. Noel Edmonds claims that his dead mum and dad are - well, melon-sized orbs. What next? John Humphreys announces that Nicolas Sarkozy is the reincarnation of his childhood cat?